Porky Pig goes trans

The first of four conspiracy theories that you can trust to be every bit as true as the evening news broadcast by the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation and America’s CNN.

Your favourite conspiracy theories start here!

I have four “true lies” for you today and they are truly “Far out, man”.

Porky in the news….

Porky Pig, the favourite swine of children everywhere, had this to say when he learned of Canada’s plan (announced here yesterday) to take the lead in the globull trans movement. “When I was a little piggy, before I started going to market, I stayed home because I had a crush on a cute little porcupine. She was prickly to every else but cuddly to me, and we have been close ever since (that is, as close as one can get to a porcupine!). Now that ‘The Science” has provided me the opportunity to transition to a porcu-pig, we can get married. I am soooooo happy”.

Now isn’t that the most touching, romantic story you’ve ever heard?  Porky has already begun insisting that he be addressed by his preferred pronoun nickname “spikey”.

Big Pharma smells profits ….

“Got the runs? Transition to a turtle today with the latest in trans-species technology! It will slow everything down, even verbal diarrhea!”

A catchy, attention-grabbing advertising meme to be sure. This was penned by a Pfizer marketing executive (he prefers to go unnamed) who wrote this little gem after over-hearing a conversation at the water cooler in the corporate executives suite. It’s no surprise that Pfizer’s bigwigs are already smelling massive profits in the air. Word has it that they have already begun reaching out to their crony partners at the CDC, Health Canada, FDA, SPCA and the World Wildlife Fund to get them on board this massive profit gravy train. Not to miss a chance to scam the public, the fingerprints and claw marks of Anthony Fauci will surely be found after forensic investigations are completed. It’s also said that Al Gore, of Globull Warming fame, looked up with greed in his eyes while counting his $billions, and he expressed interest. Robert Kennedy Jr. has already started writing the book …

The first annual World Trans Forum is coming to Davos

Newsflash (just in): Justin Trudeau is making plans to host and moderate the first World Trans Forum (WTF) week to take place in Davos Switzerland in January 2023. It will begin immediately after the Davos Agenda Week which is sponsored by the Work Economics Forum (WEF) and moderated by Dr. Klaus Schwab. The rumour also reveals Trudeau’s interest in Porky Pig’s plan. It has inspired Canada’s  Prime Minister to mull over a similar transition, but for different reasons. Known for his reputation as the fattest of “pigs at the trough” when it comes to helping himself to tax revenues, he reasons that by transitioning to a porcu-pig, the quills will give him extra room at the trough as he elbows aside the other pigs, like the Governor General, as they snort and claw to take their fill.

Also in the popular conspiracies news - Dr. Tam

Just out of the gate, co-conspirator Scott shared with me this juicy bit of gossip about Dr. Teresa Tam. Apparently, the infamous doctor has been undergoing psychotherapy for all of the hate speech she endured for her role in the Canadian Government’s unpopular treatment of Canadians during pandemic. Mind-reader Scott belies that Tam will transition to a bunny. “Everyone loves a bunny” says Scott and “this it the perfect plan for Tam to win the public’s love to which she believes she is entitled and Canada’s top public health officials”. Sadly, however, there is a wrench in her plan. Ontario’s top public health official has recently recommended that masks be worn indoors during the RSV/flu/cold/Covid reason and this will hide Tam’s cute furry face. Apparently, Dr. Kieran Moore is concern that trans-species technology has not been sufficiently tested and he believes that masks will stop the spread of any airborne nano-particles that may cause myocarditis in rabbits.

There you have it forks.

This has been your up-to-the-minute (and way beyond) conspiracy theory news. Have a far out day.

Disclaimer: The conspiracy theories presented to you herein are those solely of the 1960s hippie shown above. Unfortunately, we have never seen in in person and do not know where he lives. He claims to be living in the eternal moment of consciousness “out there in the ether”. For this reason, he is not available for speaking engagements or in-person interest. For all intents and purposes, he cannot by found in body, only in spirit.