Safe spaces from fear.

One emotion is dominant in modern societies. It underpins most human choices and actions. It’s also the best tool for politicians and public officials to herd us like cattle into regulator corrals.

Safe spaces from fear look different than in 1970.

A recent episode of the What Is Money podcast featured a conversation with Kristin Ulmer, a fear expert and a former ‘extreme skier’ who traversed dangeous mountain slopes after a helicopter drop.  She claimed to be “addicted to fear”.

Her stories about fear have rekindled my interest in the topic from years ago when it was top-of-mind daily.

My personal theory about fear.

Danger is always lurking in the lives of human beings. We sense it constantly whether or not we are consciously aware of it, and anxiety is the result. Years ago, when I suffered from spontaneous and unexplained bouts of extreme anxiety, my psychiatrist explained:

On a scale from 1 to 10, most people live comfortably with a constant fear level of 3 or 4. When they experience bouts of fear that reach 5 or 6, discomfort sets it. Only at 7 or 8, however, will crisis levels be reached, usually for brief periods of time. You, on the other hand, live daily in the 5 to 6 range, experience levels of 7 and 8 frequently, and occasionaly hit 9 or 10 crisis levels. Those are panic attacks.

Why did I suffer from Panic Disorder?

Here is my theory.

As the eldest son of four, I was encouraged to excel as a student and an athlete. I internalized those expectations which, in turn, fueled a drive to meet or exceed them. It's nature was fear of “failure”. No doubt it was likely influenced by my home environment, but I can’t exactly put my finger on anything specific that fostered this approach to life.

I knew, for example, that my mother had been a top student, a university graduate when it was rare that girls attended further studies after high school, a local and acclaimed athlete in her youth, and her brothers were excellent hockey and baseball players. I suspect that her past family experiences influenced her expectations of me and my siblings. I skipped grade 6 as a top student and was always the pitcher in league baseball and a top scorer in organized hockey. When I learned about the Type A personality characteristics in Psychology years later, they described me.

About age 20, I read The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. Her heroic characters were very inspiring to me. I had just completed my first year of university after spending nine months traveling Europe before attending Waterloo University in September 1970. The decision to travel was easily justified because I could afford a “year of survival” to mature and appreciate what I had. I also wanted to be the same age as my university peers because I had disliked being the youngest and least physically mature student in class from Grade 7 onward.

Ayn Rand’s books (I read them all) provided me with a philosophical foundation which inspired me to be “the best that I could be” with my inherited attributes. I went on to rank 3^rd in my 1975 graduating class with First Class Honours. My parents and I were proud of this accomplishment.

Being a high achiever is not without stress.

Two years later, IBM Canada hired me and invested six months of full time classroom Basic Systems Training (BST) to qualify me as a Systems Engineering Representative. Subsequently, I worked on the Ontario Government sales team for over three years . My father was very proud that his eldest son was employed by one of the most prestigeous companies of that era.

By 1980, I was married. My wife had done well financially as an international model earning many multiples of my annual $22,000 IBM salary. She provided the downpayment for our first house, and later, for our second investment property. Thanks to her success, we had the financial resources and circumstances to start a family. However, we both knew that my IBM salary would be insuffienct to support a family with children in the lifestyle to which my wife aspired.

In 1981, I resigned from IBM much to my father’s chagrin. Two of my former IBM colleagues has joined Source EDP, a top computer personnel staffing agency. They earned over $75,000 per year on a commission sales plan. Both approached me separately to convince me to meet Source EDP’s Toronto Office Manager, Les Fenvyes. By May, I was walking into the sales “bull pen” as Les said “Welcome to the big leagues”. For a type A personity, I was both intimidated by that statement but also knew that I was up to the challenge.

A career with no salary.

For the next 28 years, I earned my living on a 100% Sales Commission Plan.

On the first day of every month, I felt a knot in the pit of my stomach knowing that I would have to work very hard under high stress levels in order to meet and exceed the monthly quota. That ever-present fear of failure propelled me to excel. By 1986, I ranked #8 out of over 300 recruiters employed in Source Edp’s 60+ North American offices and was recognized as a rising star.

In 1985, my first child was born. My wife had retired from her lucrative modelling career and I had become the sole breadwinner. We had also sold our first home and undertaken to demolish our investment property to build a custom home to accommodate plans for a larger family in an upscale neighbourhood. The stress from all these changes weighed heavily. Expectations to perform placed me on an anxiety treadmill from which I saw no reprieve but rationalized it as the “price of success”. In time, it took its toll on me. Performance anxiety had become my constant companion, one I feared to look at.

A series of crises.

The years between 1987 and 1992 were brutal. I left Source EDP in 1987 to join a competitor that offered twice the sales commission rates. On the first Friday of my new job, I received a call from Source EDP’s lawyer informing me to go home and not return to work. He had filed an injunction to prevent me from working anywhere as an IT recruiter because I was to be sued for breaching the non-compete clause in Source EDP’s employment contract which I had signed in 1987. While fighting, and losing, the law suit, I was forced into unemployment while the legal battle ensued. It eventually cost me $26,000 to settle out of court and get back to work after several months at home facing an uncertain future.

Other crises followed.

My father died of cancer, my second daugher experienced a medical emergency,  and my wife began an extramarital affair which culminated in divorce proceedings in 1991. The divorce forced the sale of our marital  home at the tail end of a severe economic recession. The real estate agents all understood the time pressures we faced to sell the house and split our marital assets. The house sold quickly at a “steal” price.

The process of dealing with Family Law solicitors was unexpectly more stressful than I had ever imagined. I now appreciate what a cutthroat profession that had become. I joined a group of divorced men called Men In Search of Justice whose ex-wives were making alimony arrangements and access to their children difficult. Needless to say, my constant anxiety companion had become a monster during those years, and panic attacks occurred often and for no apparent reason. “White-knucking” became my way of life. I hid it from everyone except my closest friends, therapist and trusted confidents.

Between 1992 and 2000, I pursued a quest to understand panic disorder. Always the high achiever, I continued to perform well as a professional IT Recruiter and was easily able to meet my annual $66,000 alimony obligations and function well as a part time parent of my two daughters and the family dog, Sadie. Those were my “Dark Night Of The Soul” years. I spent almost all of my free time exploring different “spiritual”, metaphysical, scientific, psychological, therapeutic and philosphical chanels to explain why my panic attacks persisted and seemed to be getting worse.

Hitting bottom.

One summer night in 1999, I found myself in the Emergency Department of Sunnybrook Hospital with symptoms that I felt sure to be a heart attack. Throughout the night, I underwent a series of tests. The next morning, I was presented the diagnosis of “primary panic disorder with secondary clinical depression”.

I was released with a prescription for an SSRI medication and 6 weeks off work to rest and adapt to the anti-depressant. I was told that my condition was serious and I would be on this medication for the rest of my life. I am still taking it daily. It saved my life and restored a quality of life that I had doubted would ever return. It has also helped that I married the best life partner for me in September 2000. I have benefitted greatly from a happy marriage with a wise and capable woman who has also earned to love and respect of the Balfour family and especially my two much-cherished daughters.

My theory.

Looking back, I developed a theory to explain what I had endured during and before my “dark night” years. It goes like this.

Human evolution occured slowly throughout history. Significant innovations were infrequent  and adaptation to them occured over generations and mostly by serendipity.

The Information Age changed this pattern. Prior to the printing press, information spread within local communities mostly by word of mouth. After Gutenburg invented the press, the accumulation of the printed word gradually created the need for teachers and journalists to disperse knowledge and information at faster rates. Other innovations followed and the availability and timeliness of news and information started to grow at an exponential rate energized by new innovations that appeared at a faster pace.

The capacity and circumstances to require, absorb and ultilze information varies from person to person. I don’t need to explain or describe the information explosion that we have all experienced over the past half century. We have all lived through it.

The evolution of the “knowledge worker” class of employee began to appear innocently enough in the early days of computers, but is the commonplace expectation of nearly every modern worker. Unfortunately, we are not equals in our ability to work with a “fire hose of information” in our daily lives. It seems that those people who were genetically endowed to use information for constructive purposes are the ones who prosper and thrive best.

As we all know, the Information Age has been relentless at transforming every aspect of our lives. Some people cope well while millions like me less so. I have been told that SSRIs are to top selling class of pharmeceutical in Western societies. This tells me that “information overload” has overwhelmed that capacity of many people to function without their aid.

My understanding of anxiety and panic.

When danger is present, people wisely seek safety. When fear accompanies identifiable danger, people instinctively turn to places where they except to find safety. When persistent fear is unidentifiable, as in the case of panic disorder, there is no safe place to find. In such cases, fear feeds upon itself, and escalates to terrorizing levels.

Anxiety is fear before it becomes serious. Persistent anxiety saps your energy over time. Emotional and mental fatigue sets in and leads to feelings of hopelessness and desperation. People seek “safe spaces” where they can rest temporarily and restore hope. Some of these strategies are healthy and life-affirming. Others are unhealthy and life-corroding.

READS: Fear-taming strategies.

Any one of the following can be practiced in moderation without becoming problematic in themselves. Obsessive-compulsive disorder often accompanies persistently high levels of anxiety and this can be manifest as extremes - addictions, zeolotry - when relied upon to the extreme.

Religion. Faith in a higher power has worked for millions of people. Regiliond provides hope, routines, a community and feelings of security against death, illness and all forms of calamity that visit everyone in life. Understandably, religion can be a positive form of psychotherapy, and can serve as a powerful psychological crutch to lean on in the presence of fear.

Exercise & nutrition. Sustaining stamina, strength and a healthy immune system builds an effective bulwark against many life challenges of both a physical and mental nature. A regular fitness regimen, and participation in sporting activities, can release endorphins which raise feelings of wellbeing as well as establish positive relationships with others in like-minded communities. We are social animals and seem to thrive best when we are surrounded by others we love, admire and respect in a healthy, life-affirming context.

Authorities. As the world has become more populated, complex and flooded with information, many people have had to “outsource” their decision-making to other people and institutions that have been designated as “experts” by the “respected” corporate media and government bodies. With busy lives, most working adults do not possess the knowledge, time or access to “trusted” sources of information to make “informed decisions” in which they can feel confident. Consequently, they refer to “authority figures” in whom they are led to believe can be trusted to combat all manner of societal risks and public demons. Faith and “blind faith” in “trusted authorities” had become increasingly difficult to discern as a fruitful strategy.

Drugs, alcohol and tobacco. Escapism is also widely practiced to numb fear. These substances offer varies levels of temporary reprieve from uncomfortable feelings that arise frequently from unfortunate life circumstances in which many individuals find themselves. As we all know, the abuse of any of these can lead to many more problems than they “solve” if used beyond moderation.

Science & logic. Ever since the Scientific Method was first defined and practiced, genuine science, and the knowledge it has produced in support of every sphere of human life, has grown in respect. It rivals religion as the venue in which to place one’s faith for a better life. Modern science offers tools, dependable processes and vast bodies of documented and peer-reviewed evidence to explain many formerly misunderstood “mysteries of life”. While the power of science is expanding exponentially, many people who don’t understand it watch its progress with a wary and concerned eye fearing that it will be controlled by “the wrong people with malevolent intentions. Those of our highly-educated citizens, who understand science and its contributions, often place their faith and hope for a better future for humanity here.

“READS” is the anacronym produced by the first letter of each of these five categories. Ironically, it spells the source of the problem - too much “required” information to read and absorb.

The Future is Uncertain

I often wonder how the story of the human race will unfold in the years ahead. As someone who worked in the Information Technology economic domain from 1977 to 2018, I have always been fascinated by the evolutionary impact of technologies on our species.

In 1970, I was nineteen years old and attending my first year at the University of Waterloo. It was to subsequently earn the reputation as one on the best Computer Science schools in North Americas and a place where tech startups would go on to become household names. I remember what life was like then and in the 1950 and 60s when I grew up as a child. I can’t help but to compare those times to day.

A man who retired from work in 1970 would likely be blissfully unaware of ‘world affairs’ (other than perhaps ‘headline news’) and its myriad of problems, risks and threats. He may have habitually enjoyed a tranquil few hours each day sitting in his favourite chair, a beer in hand while watching a ball game between the New York Yankees and Baltimore Orioles.

On the fireplace mantle would be a dozen pictures of his five children and eleven grandkids. They loyal family dog would be napping peacefully next to him.

Earlier in the day, he had completed the word puzzle, read an op-ed or featured article, and chuckled at the ‘funnies’ section of his newspaper after his wife had checked out Dear Abby and the fashion section. They both looked forward to watching the Ed Sullivan Show, All In The Family and Walter Cronkite’s news representation on television.

Percy Saltzman was everyone’s weather man. He skilfully kept us informed about how much sun and rain to expect for the next 24 to 48 hours.

There was no need for SSRIs. The man and his wife expected to “save their souls from eternal damnation and Hell fires” by attending church on Sunday mornings and trying to live a “good life” according to their faith’s moral teachings.

Life was much simpler in 1970 than today. Concerns about “world affairs” just didn’t occur to them very often, and if they were aware of crisis events, they seemed too far removed from their day-to-day life to worry about beyond one or two news cycles.

Today, my wife, her mother, I and our two dogs and two cats live in a rural setting five kilometres from the nearest town. We play golf, cycle, nordic walk, and nordic cross skate for fun and exercise. We could watch reruns Ed Sullivan and Archie Bunker if I wanted to, but our tastes in entertainment have changed and the Yellowstone series are more our speed at present. Otherwise, my craving for a 1970s lifestyle in my “golden years” has been fulfilled.

My current living circumstances are not exactly “off the grid” living, but it sure beats the rat race of Toronto where I lived all of my adult life until 2016. Of my READS options to “manage” fear, Exercise and Science have been my ‘go to’ ways to cope with “a world gone mad” for many years.