Conditional Love and Family Dynamics
Family dramas arise from time to time. People change. Events occur that reveal differences. Disappointments can lead to hurtful words and spread emotional toxicity across the family.
I am currently embroiled in a toxic family drama.
Two weeks ago at a family meeting, I exploded with anger against my sister as two brothers and my niece looked on. After I left the meeting abruptly, they put their heads together and concluded that I have an anger management problem and should seek medical help. None of them understand what triggered that outburst, and none of them cared to ask. They only understand that my sister’s feelings were hurt and this was intolerable.
I am not an angry man. In fact, I am generally very happy with my life.
Everyone I know has experienced spats with a family member at one time or another. Usually, the initial anger and disappointment fades with the passage of time, but sometimes a residue of resentment can last unseen for a long time.
Needless to say, my reaction to my sister and the ensuing drama has been on my mind. My anger was triggered by a single act of meddling on her part that lasted two minutes but what ripped the scab off a simmering and justified resentment that goes back decades.
I am a 73 yo man, retired, and enjoying rural life.
I have a range of interests, friends and activities that keep me busy and fulfilled. My older sister and three younger brothers are similarly retired and are empty-nesters except for my youngest brother who, at age 65, still has a 15 yo daughter at home.
Our father died of cancer 32 years ago at age 66. Mom died at age 84 about ten years ago. She and her second husband maintained the tradition of Sunday family dinners until she became too old to continue.
My mother was the glue that held the family together and she was very effective at refereeing and resolving sibling spats whenever they arose.
Times have changed and so have we.
My siblings and I have grown in incompatible directions since mom passed, and especially since Covid began. Our interests, beliefs and passions are all very different as might be expected in this phase of our lives as senior citizens. Mine broach areas that have become “no go zones” for conversation at family get-togethers. They include economics, political theory, contemporary politics, science, technology, health & fitness and metaphysics. None of my siblings share these interests with me and, for the most past, I have little interest in theirs. That’s understandable. We all have our own lives to live.
This current family drama has made one thing very clear. At family gatherings, my brothers and sister expect “imposter Gene” to show up, not the real one. They want the brother they remember when mom was head of the family. Those were happy days with vey different times and circumstances than today. We were all employed, busy managing a household and raising children. We were blessed with an highly-respected and wise mother we all loved and looked to for advice and guidance.
Oddly, my siblings claim to love me because “we are family”, but they have also chosen to banish the man I am today. They expect me to be the brother of their memory - an imposter of myself from years ago.
I am not much of a role player, but if a B-grade actor is what I must become to maintain peace in the family, then I will do it. But not without some disappointment.
I recall my mom as a widow.
After dad died, mom became active in three areas of interest in her private life: reading, exercise and religion. She joined a book club and a weekly exercise class. She forged deep friendships with a group of senior ladies who travelled together and shared her faith as a devout Roman Catholic. When we saw mom on Sundays as the host of family dinners, she often recounted stories about her involvement in those communities but these were light stories that didn’t demand much from us as her children.
I my case, however, my interests are more intellectually demanding. They require more attention and consideration than the stories that mom shared. Unfortunately for me, none of my siblings have any interest in those topics. They have always shut down any efforts I made to share my enthusiasm for things I was learning.
Like mom, I have made friends with whom I can explore my interests. I also have this Substack to express them and time as a retired man to invest in them which I do daily.
My mistake
My expectations were too high and unrealistic. When I was told by my siblings that I was loved, I didn’t understand that it was the “old Gene” that they loved and expect to see at family occasions. Unlike mom’s unconditional love, theirs is a conditional form offered only as long as “Imposter Gene” plays his part according to script.
The irony, of course, is that those regular readers of MY LIFE LENS know the real me much better than my siblings, and none of you have ever expressed love for me.
COVID or no COVID, most people simply don't really know who or what they are. They are defined by the roles and identities they have somehow acquired, in order to feel secure in life. Some of these roles may be defined by their work, achievements, groups and family dynamic they belong to. Such people, when they then "fall out of" those roles (retire) when approaching the last phase of their natural lives, with dwindling time remaining, then struggle desperately to cling onto anything that was part of what defined their former roles. Otherwise they feel lost as they had not created for themselves a separate enduring and fundamental persona that is independent of their formal roles and thus they now have great difficulty redefining themselves a new (superficial) role(s). Since you represent a major anchor for your siblings' connection to their identities, any change you attempt to make in your dynamic interactions with them will come across as threatening. My father was like that and my siblings had similar issues, were very different from me, but thankfully, we did share some personal interests and our relationships were thus not overly fragile. Sometimes you have to just minimize contact with people who cannot help themselves... because you, as a primary party, cannot act as an unimpassioned expert observer or therapist. This is a bit like quantum mechanics, if you know what I mean.
Sadly your beautifully written article is probably true of most families after covid. Most people do not have a curious mind, which you possess, so it is hard for them to understand and have to stop thinking because they get lost. You have evolved and they have not. So don't feel bad, we can choose our friends but not our family.